Roxas' REAL Capture
by The Masked Wanderer
Summary: What if Riku and Xion had used a different method by which of capturing Roxas. AU story with Xion/Roxas, Riku/Kairi, and possible Xion/Riku


Roxas' REAL Capture

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts…yeah, that's pretty much it…**

"So it's true. You really are his Nobody. Guess Diz was right after all." The blindfolded boy named Riku smirked.

Roxas became infuriated. "What are you talking about? I'M ME! NOBODY ELSE!" With that, he wielded Oathkeeper along with Oblivion, and charged to Riku, with fury painted upon his grief-stricken face…

The latter tried to dodge, and was partly successful. Unfortunately, the younger warrior was too quick for him, and struck through his chest with Oathkeeper. "Gyahh!" The force of the hit sent Riku back about a few feet.

Suddenly, he heard the faint voice of Xion calling out to him. _Riku,please! You have to stop him!_

Roxas glared angrily at Riku. "How many times do I have to beat you?"

_Riku! Please! If you stop him, I'll get you some ice cream!_

Riku grimaced. "I DON'T LIKE ICE CREAM!"

_But, it's shiny! And good for you!_

Riku put a hand to his forehead and sighed. "Those things are full of calories, and cause sugar attacks! And how is it in any way SHINY?"

_Um, I'm not sure. But let's look at the bright side; it'll make you feel better after you betrayed your best friends the way you did._

Riku's left eye began to twitch. "Okay, that is a really private matter in my life that I don't know HOW you know about, so let's just-"

_And didn't you steal Sora's Keyblade and take Donald and Goofy from him, leaving him with nothing but a beast man and a wooden sword?_

Riku grabed his head in frustration. "Would you not remind me? It wasn't even me-"

_But you let a creepy evil woman tell you what to do, and used darkness to kill the best friend you knew for years, while capturing his love interest for your own benefits._

The white-haired man's eyes boggled. "WHAT? That is not what happened! As it is-"

_I hear you would spend hours in your bedroom, talking about how soft her butt was, and playing with a doll named afterher. What were those pointy things in her, BTW?_

"THAT WASN'T A DOLL! THAT WAS AN ACTION FI-"

_You told Maleficent that you were going to the bathroom, and you had a huge bag over your shoulder._

Riku started pulling out his hair. "That was laundry! That's ALL! What's so odd of bringing laundry to the bathroom?"

_What's WRONG with that? Hmm, let me think about that…Hmm…Oh yeah, that's right. Maybe because laundry goes in the WASHING MACHINE, you idiot!_

Riku stammered for a moment, then continued. "Um, er, w-w-w-we don't h-have washing machines in our world! We use our bathrooms for-"

_Kairi and Riku, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes-_

"SHUT UP!" Riku summoned his Soul Eater and started slashing around at nothing. "If you weren't dead, I'd kill you!"

All the while, Roxas could not keep his eyes away from the most disturbing thing he had ever seen in his entire life. Actually, it was the ONLY disturbing thing he had seen in his entire life, but you know…

Roxas began to tiptoe away from the scene, hoping the maddened warrior of darkness wouldn't notice him leave…

_Riku! Stop acting like a scizophrenic corpse raper and stop my sex slave-I mean, buddy ,from escaping!_

"I didn't rape her, and she wasn't a corpse!" Riku charged at Roxas, but the latter teleported to where Riku was standing originally. "You'll have to do better than that!"

Riku started sweating. "Try me, loser!"

_Nice comeback, Molester._

"SHUT UP!" Riku shouted at the sky.

Roxas' eye twitched. These illusions were starting to piss him off. "Are you gonna sit there and talk to your imaginary friend, or are you actually going to do something?"

But Riku was not listening to him. Because he was too busy calling his psychiatrist. "Hello, Dr. Leon? Are you there? Hey, it's me Riku. Listen, I need to make an appointment with you ASAP. Say, Thursday afternoon! Great! Thanks! Bye!" After he hung up, he said to Roxas, "Could you give me a minute? I'm having an emotional breakdown right now!"

_That's not the only problem you have…_

"Aw come on!" Riku yelled to the sky in frustration. "Can't you just leave me alone?"

Roxas looked up, and just saw the tower above them. "You're starting to scare me, you know that?"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?" After yelling at Roxas, he sank to the ground in desperation. "I really need a shrink!"

_Oh yeah, and that made perfect sense. Ask help from the one man more emotionally distraught than you. I mean,look at him. He makes me look normal! And that's saying something!_

"Will you please?"

_Although he is better looking than you! Maybe you should meet him; it'll probably get your mind off Kairi! Hell, you might even become gay!_

"I am NOT a HO-"

_Riku and Leon, sitting in a gay bar! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!_

Riku started to cry. "Leave me alone! You big meanie!"

_Aw, is da widdle baby gonna cry!_ _You wanna bottle, baby?_

Roxas was forever scarred for life by what he saw next. Riku was lying on the ground in fetal position, sucking his thumb! "Wah! Wah! I want my mommy! I want my mommy!" Roxas wanted to slap himself, for this had to be a trick to get him to surrender. But he could not peel his eyes away from the sheer unhumanity of it all.

_Widdle Riku has been a bad boy! He must be PUNISHED! Yes, punished very badly!_

The sobs grew louder with each passing second. Somehow, a pacifier came out of nowhere, and he started sucking on it.

Roxas could take no more! "RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He took his Oathkeeper Keyblade and, before striking himself in the head, rendering himself unconscious, his last words were "No more of this madness!"

Ten seconds later, Diz appeared from a portal of darkness. He walked over to them, and noticed the blood on Roxas' face. He checked the Nobody's pulse, which was still there. Relieved, he turned to face his accomplice.

"Wow, you did a good job! Nice, Riku!"

"I'm not Riku!"

Diz was shocked at this outburst from the hooded figure in front of him. It sounded more high pitched and not as deep as it used to be.

He still didn't figure it out.

"So you LIED to me!" Tears fell from his face. "That wasn't nice!"

The hooded figure nodded, but said nothing.

"Then what is your true name?"

The hodded figure turned to the direction of the bandanged elder man, and proceeded to remove its hood. The figure's face was that of a girl in her teens, and she had jet-black hair and blue eyes.

"It's Xion." And the girl began to cackle in mad laughter! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"


End file.
